White Dress Shirts and Ties
Laura Fischer
Margaret liked sitting on her porch warm summer afternoons, sipping lemonade and watching the world pass by. She lived alone, but she was never truly lonely. She had a housekeeper, Ruby, to help cook and clean and run errands when needed, and she had a handyman she called to take care of repairs. Best of all, she had caring neighbors who dropped by frequently to chat and check on her. Young mothers taking their children to the park, married couples on their way to one of the trendy restaurants nearby, teens on skateboards, and mormon missionaries on their bikes - all waved and called out a friendly greeting to the elderly lady as they passed by.
Margaret enjoyed them all, but she had a special place in her heart for the young LDS missionaries. Her housekeeper often teased her about it. "You never answer your door to strangers or let anybody in this house," she exclaimed. "And you never listen to what those Jehovah's witness ladies have to say when they call. But you always find time to sit and talk with those young mormon boys. What is it that makes them so special anyway? I know that's not your church."
No, it's not my church, Margaret thought. But it might have been. Her eyes misted as she remembered a very special summer almost fifty years earlier. "Did I ever tell you about the first mormon missionaries I ever met, Ruby?" she asked. "It was a long, long time ago. I was barely sixteen and was spending the afternoon with my brother and his new wife. A pair of nice looking young men in white shirts and ties knocked on his apartment door and asked if they could speak with us. We were all too polite to turn them away, so we invited them in and we listened, rather dubiously I'm afraid, to the strange tales they had to tell. They gave us a Book of Mormon and asked if they could stop by the next week to talk some more. We didn't know how to refuse, and we didn't want to seem rude, so we agreed."
"That was a mistake," Ruby told her. "Once you let people like that into your house, you never can get rid of them."
"I actually wanted to see them again," Margaret responded. "I made sure to visit my brother every Wednesday afternoon when the elders came to call. Oh, I didn't really believe the tales I heard that summer. How could I, you know. But I was 16 and eager to find romance. Both young men were so friendly and so handsome. They were so different from any boys I had ever known. I couldn't help being attracted to them... especially one of them. David Hansen was his name. His companion was too serious, too eager to preach his gospel, but David was different."
"In what way?" Ruby asked.
"I don't know exactly. I guess I sensed that beneath the stiff white shirt and tie there was a young man who wanted to enjoy life but had never known how. I felt maybe he was putting in his two years between high school and college in the mission because it was expected of him, not because he had a burning desire to convert others to his faith. "
"Did you feel that, or did you hope that?" Ruby laughed.
Margaret ignored her comment. "I wanted to believe the mormon teachings because I wanted David to like me. I really tried. I studied. I prayed. I didn't smoke or do drugs or drink alcohol or coffee already, and I had no problem giving up caffeinated beverages and colas to please them. I shared their views on chastity and sex before marriage. I liked the idea of being sealed in marriage in the temple for all eternity, not just till death do you part. So that part was easy."
Margaret enjoyed them all, but she had a special place in her heart for the young LDS missionaries. Her housekeeper often teased her about it. "You never answer your door to strangers or let anybody in this house," she exclaimed. "And you never listen to what those Jehovah's witness ladies have to say when they call. But you always find time to sit and talk with those young mormon boys. What is it that makes them so special anyway? I know that's not your church."
No, it's not my church, Margaret thought. But it might have been. Her eyes misted as she remembered a very special summer almost fifty years earlier. "Did I ever tell you about the first mormon missionaries I ever met, Ruby?" she asked. "It was a long, long time ago. I was barely sixteen and was spending the afternoon with my brother and his new wife. A pair of nice looking young men in white shirts and ties knocked on his apartment door and asked if they could speak with us. We were all too polite to turn them away, so we invited them in and we listened, rather dubiously I'm afraid, to the strange tales they had to tell. They gave us a Book of Mormon and asked if they could stop by the next week to talk some more. We didn't know how to refuse, and we didn't want to seem rude, so we agreed."
"That was a mistake," Ruby told her. "Once you let people like that into your house, you never can get rid of them."
"I actually wanted to see them again," Margaret responded. "I made sure to visit my brother every Wednesday afternoon when the elders came to call. Oh, I didn't really believe the tales I heard that summer. How could I, you know. But I was 16 and eager to find romance. Both young men were so friendly and so handsome. They were so different from any boys I had ever known. I couldn't help being attracted to them... especially one of them. David Hansen was his name. His companion was too serious, too eager to preach his gospel, but David was different."
"In what way?" Ruby asked.
"I don't know exactly. I guess I sensed that beneath the stiff white shirt and tie there was a young man who wanted to enjoy life but had never known how. I felt maybe he was putting in his two years between high school and college in the mission because it was expected of him, not because he had a burning desire to convert others to his faith. "
"Did you feel that, or did you hope that?" Ruby laughed.
Margaret ignored her comment. "I wanted to believe the mormon teachings because I wanted David to like me. I really tried. I studied. I prayed. I didn't smoke or do drugs or drink alcohol or coffee already, and I had no problem giving up caffeinated beverages and colas to please them. I shared their views on chastity and sex before marriage. I liked the idea of being sealed in marriage in the temple for all eternity, not just till death do you part. So that part was easy."
"What was the hard part," Ruby wanted to know.
"Accepting the history of the church itself. Believing that Joseph Smith was visited by an angel and told to translate the Book of Mormon from gold plates with magic spectacles didn't make sense. Neither did the whole story of Brigham Young as a prophet. Why would LDS views on polygamy or black people's role in the church change over the years? And then there were the strange customs like secret handshakes and temple garments I couldn't buy into. I wondered how the missionaries could not question a lot of the LDS beliefs themselves."
"I wanted to get to know Elder Hansen and have him get to know me, but the missionaries were not allowed to visit with a female alone, and they always called in pairs. I didn't want to tempt Elder Hanson to sin, or put him in a compromising situation, but I wished we could spend some time together without my brother and David's companion always along."
"Did you love him?" Ruby asked. "Did he know how you felt about him?"
"Was I in love? I thought so. But how could I really tell when we were forbidden to touch or to date or to spend time alone together I only knew the Mormon lifestyle was one I could happily adopt if only the Mormon religion were one I could believe in as well!"
"You didn't seriously consider converting to please that young boy, did you?"
"I did. I thought about being baptized and joining the LDS church, but my parents forbade me to consider changing religions until I was 18. They reminded me I had never had a steady boyfriend and was pretty innocent when it came to romance. Thinking back on it, I'm surprised they didn't forbid me to even talk to the elders when they found out. Maybe they thought it would make me more determined to join the church if they did. I resented them for it at the time, but I know now they were right to make me wait until I was older and more experienced."
Looking back now, remembering that summer decades ago, Margaret thought maybe she hadn't really been in love with Elder David Hanson. Maybe the affection she felt was like the attraction other teens her age felt for the Beatles or their parents felt for Elvis. It felt real at the time, but she had been only sixteen, and maybe she had been in love with love. Maybe she had projected her ideas of the perfect man onto the handsome mormon missionary who was so nice to her that summer. Maybe something would have come of the attraction she felt if she only could have believed in the church's teachings. But she couldn't, and LDS rules kept unbelievers at arm's length and prevented deeper feelings from developing between her and the missionary in the oxford shirt and tie.
"I cried the day the boys told us they were leaving at the end of the week for Provo, Utah," she told Ruby. I could see how excited they both were to be going home. That's when I realized that Elder Hanson didn't return my feelings, that he could never return my feelings until i could embrace his faith. He would not miss me in the way I would miss him."
"I asked if I could write to him in Provo, but he told me it wasn't allowed. Two new missionaries were being assigned to the community who would call on my brother and me to continue our studies, he promised cheerfully. But I knew it was over. There would be no more lessons. There was no sense in studying a religion I didn't believe in, and it hurt too much to grow close to a man whom I could not ever date, let alone be sealed to in the Mormon temple for all eternity."
"So the boys in the white shirts and ties left," Margaret continued, "unaware that one of them had broken my heart. I went back to school in the fall and dated others trying unsuccessfully to erase my summer fantasies from my memory. I included BYU on the list of schools I visited when I was ready to select a college hoping to see him on the campus, or talk to someone who knew him, but we never crossed paths again. I always ask the missionaries who stop to talk with me if they know David, but no one ever does. Probably he's already passed on they say."
"A few years after I graduated I met Robert, and we fell in love, truly in love, and married. A marriage doesn't have to be in an LDS temple to last for all eternity I told myself."
"What did your husband think about you and that mormon boy?" Ruby demanded.
"I never spoke of my 16th summer to my husband," she answered. "I know he suspected there was a part of my life I was keeping from him, but I'm sure he had secrets of his own that he didn't share with me. We were happy and in love and nothing else mattered. If only we had had more time together. If only Robert hadn't died so young."
Tears began to stream down her cheeks.
"Accepting the history of the church itself. Believing that Joseph Smith was visited by an angel and told to translate the Book of Mormon from gold plates with magic spectacles didn't make sense. Neither did the whole story of Brigham Young as a prophet. Why would LDS views on polygamy or black people's role in the church change over the years? And then there were the strange customs like secret handshakes and temple garments I couldn't buy into. I wondered how the missionaries could not question a lot of the LDS beliefs themselves."
"I wanted to get to know Elder Hansen and have him get to know me, but the missionaries were not allowed to visit with a female alone, and they always called in pairs. I didn't want to tempt Elder Hanson to sin, or put him in a compromising situation, but I wished we could spend some time together without my brother and David's companion always along."
"Did you love him?" Ruby asked. "Did he know how you felt about him?"
"Was I in love? I thought so. But how could I really tell when we were forbidden to touch or to date or to spend time alone together I only knew the Mormon lifestyle was one I could happily adopt if only the Mormon religion were one I could believe in as well!"
"You didn't seriously consider converting to please that young boy, did you?"
"I did. I thought about being baptized and joining the LDS church, but my parents forbade me to consider changing religions until I was 18. They reminded me I had never had a steady boyfriend and was pretty innocent when it came to romance. Thinking back on it, I'm surprised they didn't forbid me to even talk to the elders when they found out. Maybe they thought it would make me more determined to join the church if they did. I resented them for it at the time, but I know now they were right to make me wait until I was older and more experienced."
Looking back now, remembering that summer decades ago, Margaret thought maybe she hadn't really been in love with Elder David Hanson. Maybe the affection she felt was like the attraction other teens her age felt for the Beatles or their parents felt for Elvis. It felt real at the time, but she had been only sixteen, and maybe she had been in love with love. Maybe she had projected her ideas of the perfect man onto the handsome mormon missionary who was so nice to her that summer. Maybe something would have come of the attraction she felt if she only could have believed in the church's teachings. But she couldn't, and LDS rules kept unbelievers at arm's length and prevented deeper feelings from developing between her and the missionary in the oxford shirt and tie.
"I cried the day the boys told us they were leaving at the end of the week for Provo, Utah," she told Ruby. I could see how excited they both were to be going home. That's when I realized that Elder Hanson didn't return my feelings, that he could never return my feelings until i could embrace his faith. He would not miss me in the way I would miss him."
"I asked if I could write to him in Provo, but he told me it wasn't allowed. Two new missionaries were being assigned to the community who would call on my brother and me to continue our studies, he promised cheerfully. But I knew it was over. There would be no more lessons. There was no sense in studying a religion I didn't believe in, and it hurt too much to grow close to a man whom I could not ever date, let alone be sealed to in the Mormon temple for all eternity."
"So the boys in the white shirts and ties left," Margaret continued, "unaware that one of them had broken my heart. I went back to school in the fall and dated others trying unsuccessfully to erase my summer fantasies from my memory. I included BYU on the list of schools I visited when I was ready to select a college hoping to see him on the campus, or talk to someone who knew him, but we never crossed paths again. I always ask the missionaries who stop to talk with me if they know David, but no one ever does. Probably he's already passed on they say."
"A few years after I graduated I met Robert, and we fell in love, truly in love, and married. A marriage doesn't have to be in an LDS temple to last for all eternity I told myself."
"What did your husband think about you and that mormon boy?" Ruby demanded.
"I never spoke of my 16th summer to my husband," she answered. "I know he suspected there was a part of my life I was keeping from him, but I'm sure he had secrets of his own that he didn't share with me. We were happy and in love and nothing else mattered. If only we had had more time together. If only Robert hadn't died so young."
Tears began to stream down her cheeks.
"I miss him so much, Ruby. I miss them both so very, very much."
As she wept remembering the two very different men that she had loved so deeply and lost so soon, Margaret felt a sudden tightness in her chest. "Ruby," she cried. Get me my pills and call an ambulance. I think I'm having a heart attack!"
The housekeeper hurried to get help, but by the time she returned, it was too late. Margaret lay slumped over in the porch swing, not breathing, with a strange happy smile on her face and arms outstretched at her sides as if reaching for someone who was to lead her into the bright light.
"Was it Robert or David who came for her at her passing?" Ruby wondered aloud as the ambulance arrived and neighbors gathered on the sidewalk.
If Margaret could have answered, her reply would have surprised them all. David, her first love, and Robert, her last love, had both come to hold her hands and guide her to the other side. "I guess the mormons were actually on to something about that polygamy thing after all," she would have said. "And they almost got it right!"
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